Ever say something and get a blank stare from your listener? Or you’re talking at a meeting and somewhere in the audience you hear a “Whoa” sound. You can just feel this knot incubate in your stomach, realizing that you said something you know stepped over the line.
It happens every day, of course, to famous people all over the world.
This week, one crucial situation provided a great example of stepping over the line. The CEO of BP, Tony Hayward, was perceived as handling a major oil spill crisis in a proactive manner. But his comments offended all of his potential supporters and the government by stating “It wasn’t our accident,” he told the Today Show on Monday. Pressed by anchor Meredith Vieira, Hayward claimed: “The drilling rig was a Transocean drilling rig. It was their rig and their equipment that failed, run by their people, their processes.”
That statement, blaming others and taking no responsibility himself, caused an outcry from Gulf States suffering from the oil spill.
In fact, Hayward’s arrogance could easily characterize the tone of many CEOs in this era of financial collapse and ethical misconduct.
Will Hayward (or managers at Goldman Sachs or hundreds of other CEOs in financial institutions across the land) win back the faith of the American people?
Once people at work (or home) change their perception of you, or if you are perceived being aggressive, it’s difficult to gain back trust or change the perception. The fact is, one year of perfect behavior/communication, followed by one mistake, can reinforce people’s negative perception of you.
Whether you are in the public eye or not, here are some quick tips for staying on the assertive rather than aggressive side of Smart Communication:
• Prepare notes, and refer to them during meetings or presentations.
• If possible, record your ideas and play them back to yourself. How would you feel if you were the recipient?
• Talk to a trusted source before you have to speak at the meeting or with a boss or client.
• If you are put on the spot, or speaking off the cuff, take a deep breath and think for a moment. It’s okay to say, “Please just give me a moment to think, or could you repeat the question?
Nobody at work or home expects you to speak like a professional. However, if you practice simple, Smart Communication techniques you can quickly be perceived as an excellent, Smart Communicator. Tune in Sunday morning when we talk on Blog talk Radio, the Consultant/Insultant at 8:30 AM http://www.blogtalkradio.com/consultantinsultant
Celebrities, business leaders, politicians are often respected for “speaking their mind.” Often we get hired for being clear, assertive and “pulling no punches.”
Often times we are unaware when we step over the line and become perceived as insensitive unless a friend, colleague or boss let’s us know. The more you “get away” with risky communication, the more risks we take. Often when speaking in seminars, until I get the blank stare, or “Whoa” sound from the audience, or I receive evaluations, I may not know if I stepped over the line.
This week, two crucial situations provided great examples of stepping over the line. The CEO of BP, Tony Hayward who was perceived as handling a major oil spill crisis in a proactive manner, offended all of his potential supports and the government by stating “It wasn’t our accident,” he told the Today Show on Monday. Pressed by anchor Meredith Vieira, Hayward claimed: “the drilling rig was a Transocean drilling rig. It was their rig and their equipment that failed, run by their people, their processes.”
That statement caused an outcry from Gulf States suffering from the oil spill to call for more government oversight rather than rely on expert BP employees.
Tuesday, Elizabeth Hasselbeck, commenting on Erin Andrews’ outfit on Dancing with the Stars said: “In light of what happened … and as inexcusable as it was for that horrific guy to go in and try to peep on her in her hotel room … I mean, in some way if I [was] him, I [would be] like, ‘Man! I just could’ve waited 12 weeks and seen this — a little bit less — without the prison time!’” On May 5, 2010, Hasselbeck apologized on the View and privately to Erin Andrews. Meanwhile, Elizabeth Hasselbeck has been told, even by her show co-hosts that she was insensitive and “way over the top.” Assertive communication is saying what you mean. Aggressive communication is when you harm the rights of others.
Once people at work (or home) change their perception of you, or if you are perceived being aggressive it’s difficult to gain back trust or change the perception. The fact is, one year of perfect behavior/communication, followed by one mistake, can reinforce people’s negative perception of you.
Whether you are in the public eye or not, here are some quick tips for staying on the assertive rather than aggressive side of Smart Communication:
• Prepare notes, and refer to them during meetings or presentations.
• If possible, record your ideas and play them back to yourself. How would you feel if you were the recipient?
• Talk to a trusted source before you have to speak at the meeting or with a boss or client.
• If you are put on the spot, or speaking off the cuff, take a deep breath and think for a moment. It’s okay to say, “Please just give me a moment to think, or could you repeat the question?
Nobody at work or home expects you to speak like a professional. However, if you practice simple, Smart Communication techniques you can quickly be perceived as an excellent, Smart Communicator. Tune in Sunday morning when we talk on Blog talk Radio, the Consultant/Insultant at 8:30 AM http://www.blogtalkradio.com/consultantinsultant
Ever surprised by how you are perceived by others at work?
Remember the skills that got you hired? You were told some of the following traits were what the team or company needed:
• Risk taker
• Assertive
• Producer, you get things done
• Direct and to the point in communication
• No B.S., you take no prisoners in pushing a project
• Easy going, you can get along with anybody
• Tact & Finesse in difficult communication issues
Oops!! Then you receive the call to your boss’s office right before probation ends, or your performance review begins, or after a difficult project is completed. The conversation might be something like: “Hmm, the staff thinks you don’t listen to input and are too abrupt. You’re being accused of flirting, being sarcastic, too flexible, not taking charge…”
I know I was stunned the first time it happened to me. Why are some people perceived as great when they are assertive and brusque, and others are perceived as mean or abrasive for the same traits? When did being diplomatic get you hired but in trouble if a project is being done too slowly?
Often times our perception of ourselves is off base the first year on a new job. When you are brought into a team or company where other employees have been there more than a year, being the new kid on the block can be most difficult. Many of us forget that while people may put on a friendly exterior, trust can take up to a year to grow. People are judging us, and watching and testing. Work is political.
Here are some tips to make sure you stay on target:
• Make sure your job description is crystal clear with you and your boss, and the team
• Check in with your peers about how you are perceived after a staff meeting or client call
• Monitor yourself. Be yourself; err on the side of caution when expressing opinions and decisions by using supporting data, not just your opinion.
Tune in Sunday morning when we talk on Blog talk Radio, the Consultant/Insultant at 8:30 AM http://www.blogtalkradio.com/consultantinsultant
Does the amount of money you are paid buy the right for an employer to ask insulting or intrusive questions?
This week the NFL came into the public eye when the General Manager of the Miami Dolphins asked Dez Bryant, a potential player: “Is your mother a prostitute?”
This is probably not a question one might expect applying for a bank vice president position, but in the NFL, where a player could earn over six figures and be a role model to millions, are such questions kosher?
How did the NFL, current and former players react? Seventy percent of NFL administrators and former players said that when you might be paid THIRTY MILLION dollars, any question is allowed. Thirty percent of former administrators said it was unacceptable, and Mike Ditka, former coach of the Chicago Bears said “I might have hit him if he asked me that question.”
What was the reaction at your workplace?
Does the amount of money you are paid impact how much your privacy can be invaded?
While State and Federal laws impact every non-sports- related business, professional sports teams are not necessarily bound by all the same laws.
The GM ostensibly asked that question to see how the player would react under pressure, but was the question about his mother too personal and demeaning?
Many business owners attempting to hire the right candidate in a flooded job market gather as much information as possible about an employee to protect the company. For example, if you suspected a candidate had a drug problem in the past, or a family member in prison, or a stint in a rehab center, can you bring those issues up? And how do you feel about being asked such intrusive questions?
During this tight economy, many employees may feel they cannot defend themselves from aggressive, intrusive company practices. Are you able to be assertive and say “That is inappropriate? Can you back off or rephrase that?”
Tune in this Sunday for the beginning of a three-week series on what can be said (or not said) at work, in interviews, and even in off-hours , when you might be sipping a beer with the CEO. Dr. Brian and Dr. Gary’s Insultant/Consultant Show always brings you surprising commentary and deliberate controversy. This Sunday at 8:30 AM PST http://www.blogtalkradio.com/consultantinsultant
Dear Bill,
I talked to cousin Sam yesterday and he said you were supposed to call me re: the funeral.
I was so upset you didn’t call me. I would not have missed it for anything. Next time, call me when someone dies in the family.
Love, Marla
———————————————————————————————————
Dear Marla,
You didn’t go to either of my sons’ weddings last year. Why would you suddenly appear at a funeral? And I didn’t call you because Sam said he’d make those calls himself. You should know me better than that.
Bill
———————————————————————————————————
Dear Bill
I’m sorry. I wasn’t mad at you. That’s just the information I got. You know I was sick last year and couldn’t make either of the weddings. Don’t have such a fit.
Marla
——————————————————————————————————-
Dear Marla,
I’m not having a fit… Next time, pick up the phone and ask me what’s going on rather than accuse me via mail.
Bill
Dear Bill,
What accusations are you talking about?
Marla
And it goes on and on.
The two bicker back and forth, never picking up the phone to discuss the matter, and before you know, the emails are forwarded to family and friends, each one defending their position.
Ever have an email war with your family? Tension builds. Frustrations grow out of control. And whatever you put in your writing, it’s there forever.
A lot of times we forget embarrassing and shameful things that are said out loud. They just disappear out of our memory. But with emails, they live forever.
They could survive an Icelandic volcano, because they are invisible creatures that never die.
Find out how to control them and keep your family safe from troublesome emails. Tune into Dr. Gary and Dr Brian’s Insultant/ Consultant Show this Sunday at 8:30 am and discover some tricks, secrets, and strategies for keeping you and your family out of email hell.
Join Dr. Brian & Dr. Gary Sunday, April 25, 2010 at 8:30 AM http://www.blogtalkradio.com/consultantinsultant
A manager recently told me that he lost his job because he thought the email he was writing would be kept private. He had casually used the phrase “Aren’t we a sloppy set of misfits?” in an email to his team. He said it sarcastically. The board of supervisors took it seriously (after receiving numerous complaints about the email) and fired him.
The main problem many of us have, unfortunately, is that we see our writing differently – literally through different eyes — than our readers do.
“I was being funny! Truly, I meant it sarcastically!” the manager told him.
We may write with good intent, but the reader’s emotional intelligence transforms the words into kindling.
Words do create fires. And in this case, excuse the pun, a firing. Intention is meaningless. The words alone create the meaning.
Take for example these simple, sometimes innocent phrases:
“obviously,”
“I don’t get this,”
“I need this back immediately,”
“he’s not getting it – what is he slow?”
“I sent you the proposal but I still haven’t heard from you,”
“What DON’T you get?”
“How come THIS isn’t happening YET?”
“You’re kidding me, right?”
I took these right out of emails I’ve seen from managers across the country.
Certainly capitalization adds intensity to the tone. And in many cases, I can say these phrases out loud in a way that won’t solicit a reaction. But in writing all bets are off. You have no idea how it will be interpreted. Even if you write something that you think is well meaning, an impatient reader, not interested in humor, may take it the wrong way.
.The consequences are too great. You can’t assume your audience matches your own intrepid (I want to say warped) sense of humor.
So what to do? Tune into Dr. Brian and Dr. Gary’s Consultant/Insultant Radio Show this Sunday morning at 8:30 a.m. (http://www.blogtalkradio.com/consultantinsultant) and learn some tips, strategies, and secrets for keeping your email to at work and at home danger-free of phrases and innuendos that can haunt you forever.
The Vice President of Public Affairs at Toyota did not have a very good week.
A private email he wrote months ago was seen by hundreds of millions of people across the world.
“I hate to break this to you,” he wrote (last January 17– occasionally using all capitals for emphasis) “but WE HAVE a tendency for MECHANICAL failure in accelerator pedals for a certain manufacturer on certain models. We are not protecting our customers by keeping this quiet. The time to hide on this one is over. We need to come clean …”
Chances are— an email you write will never manage to achieve such broad readership. Frankly, Shakespeare – in the 400 years since he’s been dead — can hardly match such stunning numbers. Burt unfortunately, communication that we think can remain private has the potential in 2010 to reach massive audiences.
It’s a dilemma not restricted to CEOs and upper management. We all face the potential to embarrass and humiliate (if not ruin) our careers by simply saying something in writing that can eventually backfire.
Here’s some advice.
1. Before sending an email that discusses anything slightly controversial, let it sit for a few hours. Then, look at it with fresh eyes.
2. Call your lawyer and fax over the email (or document) before pressing that send key.
3. Schedule a meeting and discuss the issues privately, but don’t put it in writing until your words and tone are checked and double-checked by an objective reader/editor.
Note: Even with private discussions, oral communication can and will be used against you – as we’ve seen recently and often in bathrooms throughout Congress. Your words are important, whether they’re in writing or spoken “off the record.”
Want to learn some strategies for avoiding these mistakes? Talk to the two master Mistake Makers themselves. Overcome by shame and humiliation in their past, they have learned tips and secrets that save companies billions every year by simply teaching business professionals to keep their foot out of their mouth.
Tune into the Insultant/Consultant Radio Show Sunday at 8:30 AM and DR. Brian and Dr. Gary will offer some candid confessions of their own as well as solutions to help you say it and write it right the first time.
For more information about Dr. Brian’s tools for Saying it to anyone, anywhere, anytime, coaching and communication workshops, Email DrBrian@DrBrianGrossman.com, or visit www.DrBrianGrossman.com.
Dr. Gary’s workshops and keynotes can inspire your staff to write powerful, clear concise emails. His book, The Mouth Trap: Strategies, Tips, and Secrets to Keep Your Foot in Your Mouth, has recently been translated into fourteen languages and is available through career Press on Amazon and at his website, www.themouthtrap.com
Tiger & Elin are staying together for now. After a ton of pressure and publicity, he may have a chance of saving his marriage.
What causes you to stay in a business relationship vs. leaving? Have you felt trapped by circumstance? What about a personal relationship?
What are the deal breakers that would cause you to leave or stay in a relationship? Kids? Money? Confidence?
Let’s talk about what is best in different situations.
http://www.genderlyspeaking.com/Weekly_Tele-Talk.php
Have you noticed it? Can you feel it when walk into the store? Is it generational?
I walked into Macy’s with my parents. They wanted to buy a new jacket and return a shirt. Fifteen minutes later waiting at a counter to return the shirt, (One cashier, ten people waiting), I volunteered to wait in line while my parents looked for that special jacket.
Senior citizens ten to have a shorter span for patience. My parents knew what jacket they wanted, but it was not where two sales persons had directed them to go. The cashier at my line turned around. She had at least ten nails or prongs in each ear, something in each side of her nose and on her tongue. Now, I have two nephews who are in the millennial generation, and I am a former child psychologist. I am used to people expressing their individuality. Yet, this cashier had trouble speaking clearly, due to her tongue accoutrement.
My parents gave up, and I suggested Nordstrom’s, across teach mall, and would still have excellent service. They also have fallen pray to “minimum staff allowed” syndrome.
We heard comments such as ” I don’t know, not my department, we do not have that item,” after wandering around for another twenty minutes. My father was ranting, my mother taking things in stride.
Do men and women respond differently to customer service issues?
Who has more patience?
Do men and women sales reps communicate differently?
Call in, listen in tonight at 6PM PST to www.genderlyspeaking.com, or email a question in now.
Talk@genderlyspeaking.com
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The deadly email
With Sunday’s Oscars looming around the corner, Nicholas Chartier reached out to his fellow academy award members by writing a simple but provocative email, imploring them to vote for his small independent film, The Hurt Locker – and not that big behemoth $500 million dollar blockbuster, Avatar.
His efforts backfired.
Not only did the Academy rebuke Chartier for violating Oscar rules that prohibit mailings promoting a film and disparaging another, but they’ve banned him from the ceremony itself.
So even if The Hurt Locker wins big time, Chartier will not be hopping on stage with his fellow producers to accept the academy award for best picture.
Imagine a chance of a lifetime – all his friends in tuxedos, celebrating, hooting and hollering and poor Chartier home with the kids, eating a Hungry Man TV dinner, and watching the ceremony on his ten-year-old Toshiba .
Ever send an email that got you in trouble?
Certainly, it might be rare to lose one’s job or in this case be banned from a celebration, but it’s not unusual to hear management complain about arrogant, attitude-ridden emails that violate ethical, moral, or professional etiquette.
To be fair, Chartier immediately bounced an email back apologizing. “”My naïveté, ignorance of the rules and plain stupidity as a first-time nominee is not an excuse for this behavior and I strongly regret it,”
But it came too late. Damage was done. The film may not win because of this email. And Chartier will go down in history as the only producer ever banned from the Academy Awards.
So what could Chartier have done differently that would have changed not only his fate, but the success of his film? What can we learn from his mistakes?
Here are three rules to consider before sending the email that could ruin your career:
3. Never overreach your boundaries via email.
Chartier basically overstepped his bounds. He criticized a competitor and begged voters to support his film.
Beware of a backlash.
The competitor –the director or Avatar— was once married to the director of The Hurt Locker, so embedded in this contest is a whole other level of social/political even sexual intrigue voters may have gleaned from this email.
This misinterpretation – or “reading within the lines” – happens all the time in business.
Recently the President of a large electronic firm innocently moralized to his staff, asking everyone to join him in a physical fitness program instead of sitting at home watching American Idol.
Big mistake. He not only implied that his staff was fat and lazy, but goes on to insult the group for watching a show he thinks is a waste of time.
Another example that gets managers in trouble is the innocent thank-you email that calculatingly thanks certain people and leaves others out. Don’t think it won’t get a resounding backlash.
The misinterpretation can be as simple as this: “I can’t believe Frank didn’t acknowledge Connie. I don’t think he likes women.”
Write an awesome email – free of baggage.
Now it could very well be that voters will ignore Chartier’s stupidity and vote for the film they feel deserves “Best Picture.” But we live in an age where we are generously influenced by social media and television commentary. No one lives in a cave anymore, and that is true in business as well. Gossip spreads fast. An innocent but disparaging email could reek repercussions that will sink your reputation or be grounds for your demise.
This blog was written by Dr. Gary Seigel, Gary@Themouthtrap.com. For information on how to write an awesome email – free of baggage – check out my chapter on Email Road Rage in The Mouth Trap: Strategies Tips and Secrets to Keep Your Foot Out of Your Mouth. And for information on seminars and workshops, where I can interact with your staff and inspire error-free communication, visit my website, www.drbriangrossman.com, or e-mail me at DrBrian@DrBrianGrossman.com