Dear Bill,

I talked to cousin Sam yesterday and he said you were supposed to call me re: the funeral.
I was so upset you didn’t call me. I would not have missed it for anything. Next time, call me when someone dies in the family.

Love, Marla
———————————————————————————————————

Dear Marla,

You didn’t go to either of my sons’ weddings last year. Why would you suddenly appear at a funeral? And I didn’t call you because Sam said he’d make those calls himself. You should know me better than that.

Bill
———————————————————————————————————
Dear Bill

I’m sorry. I wasn’t mad at you. That’s just the information I got. You know I was sick last year and couldn’t make either of the weddings. Don’t have such a fit.

Marla
——————————————————————————————————-
Dear Marla,

I’m not having a fit… Next time, pick up the phone and ask me what’s going on rather than accuse me via mail.
Bill

Dear Bill,

What accusations are you talking about?

Marla

And it goes on and on.

The two bicker back and forth, never picking up the phone to discuss the matter, and before you know, the emails are forwarded to family and friends, each one defending their position.

Ever have an email war with your family? Tension builds. Frustrations grow out of control. And whatever you put in your writing, it’s there forever.

A lot of times we forget embarrassing and shameful things that are said out loud. They just disappear out of our memory. But with emails, they live forever.

They could survive an Icelandic volcano, because they are invisible creatures that never die.

Find out how to control them and keep your family safe from troublesome emails. Tune into Dr. Gary and Dr Brian’s Insultant/ Consultant Show this Sunday at 8:30 am and discover some tricks, secrets, and strategies for keeping you and your family out of email hell.

Join Dr. Brian & Dr. Gary Sunday, April 25, 2010 at 8:30 AM http://www.blogtalkradio.com/consultantinsultant

A manager recently told me that he lost his job because he thought the email he was writing would be kept private. He had casually used the phrase “Aren’t we a sloppy set of misfits?” in an email to his team. He said it sarcastically. The board of supervisors took it seriously (after receiving numerous complaints about the email) and fired him.

The main problem many of us have, unfortunately, is that we see our writing differently – literally through different eyes — than our readers do.

“I was being funny! Truly, I meant it sarcastically!” the manager told him.

We may write with good intent, but the reader’s emotional intelligence transforms the words into kindling.

Words do create fires. And in this case, excuse the pun, a firing. Intention is meaningless. The words alone create the meaning.

Take for example these simple, sometimes innocent phrases:

“obviously,”
“I don’t get this,”
“I need this back immediately,”
“he’s not getting it – what is he slow?”
“I sent you the proposal but I still haven’t heard from you,”
“What DON’T you get?”
“How come THIS isn’t happening YET?”
“You’re kidding me, right?”

I took these right out of emails I’ve seen from managers across the country.
Certainly capitalization adds intensity to the tone. And in many cases, I can say these phrases out loud in a way that won’t solicit a reaction. But in writing all bets are off. You have no idea how it will be interpreted. Even if you write something that you think is well meaning, an impatient reader, not interested in humor, may take it the wrong way.

.The consequences are too great. You can’t assume your audience matches your own intrepid (I want to say warped) sense of humor.

So what to do? Tune into Dr. Brian and Dr. Gary’s Consultant/Insultant Radio Show this Sunday morning at 8:30 a.m. (http://www.blogtalkradio.com/consultantinsultant) and learn some tips, strategies, and secrets for keeping your email to at work and at home danger-free of phrases and innuendos that can haunt you forever.

The Vice President of Public Affairs at Toyota did not have a very good week.

A private email he wrote months ago was seen by hundreds of millions of people across the world.

“I hate to break this to you,” he wrote (last January 17– occasionally using all capitals for emphasis) “but WE HAVE a tendency for MECHANICAL failure in accelerator pedals for a certain manufacturer on certain models. We are not protecting our customers by keeping this quiet. The time to hide on this one is over. We need to come clean …”

Chances are— an email you write will never manage to achieve such broad readership. Frankly, Shakespeare – in the 400 years since he’s been dead — can hardly match such stunning numbers. Burt unfortunately, communication that we think can remain private has the potential in 2010 to reach massive audiences.

It’s a dilemma not restricted to CEOs and upper management. We all face the potential to embarrass and humiliate (if not ruin) our careers by simply saying something in writing that can eventually backfire.
Here’s some advice.

1. Before sending an email that discusses anything slightly controversial, let it sit for a few hours. Then, look at it with fresh eyes.

2. Call your lawyer and fax over the email (or document) before pressing that send key.

3. Schedule a meeting and discuss the issues privately, but don’t put it in writing until your words and tone are checked and double-checked by an objective reader/editor.

Note: Even with private discussions, oral communication can and will be used against you – as we’ve seen recently and often in bathrooms throughout Congress. Your words are important, whether they’re in writing or spoken “off the record.”

Want to learn some strategies for avoiding these mistakes? Talk to the two master Mistake Makers themselves. Overcome by shame and humiliation in their past, they have learned tips and secrets that save companies billions every year by simply teaching business professionals to keep their foot out of their mouth.

Tune into the Insultant/Consultant Radio Show Sunday at 8:30 AM and DR. Brian and Dr. Gary will offer some candid confessions of their own as well as solutions to help you say it and write it right the first time.
For more information about Dr. Brian’s tools for Saying it to anyone, anywhere, anytime, coaching and communication workshops, Email DrBrian@DrBrianGrossman.com, or visit www.DrBrianGrossman.com.

Dr. Gary’s workshops and keynotes can inspire your staff to write powerful, clear concise emails. His book, The Mouth Trap: Strategies, Tips, and Secrets to Keep Your Foot in Your Mouth, has recently been translated into fourteen languages and is available through career Press on Amazon and at his website, www.themouthtrap.com

Tiger & Elin are staying together for now. After a ton of pressure and publicity, he may have a chance of saving his marriage.

What causes you to stay in a business relationship vs. leaving? Have you felt trapped by circumstance? What about a personal relationship?

What are the deal breakers that would cause you to leave or stay in a relationship? Kids? Money? Confidence?

Let’s talk about what is best in different situations.

http://www.genderlyspeaking.com/Weekly_Tele-Talk.php

Have you noticed it? Can you feel it when walk into the store? Is it generational?
I walked into Macy’s with my parents. They wanted to buy a new jacket and return a shirt. Fifteen minutes later waiting at a counter to return the shirt, (One cashier, ten people waiting), I volunteered to wait in line while my parents looked for that special jacket.

Senior citizens ten to have a shorter span for patience. My parents knew what jacket they wanted, but it was not where two sales persons had directed them to go. The cashier at my line turned around. She had at least ten nails or prongs in each ear, something in each side of her nose and on her tongue. Now, I have two nephews who are in the millennial generation, and I am a former child psychologist. I am used to people expressing their individuality. Yet, this cashier had trouble speaking clearly, due to her tongue accoutrement.

My parents gave up, and I suggested Nordstrom’s, across teach mall, and would still have excellent service. They also have fallen pray to “minimum staff allowed” syndrome.

We heard comments such as ” I don’t know, not my department, we do not have that item,” after wandering around for another twenty minutes. My father was ranting, my mother taking things in stride.

Do men and women respond differently to customer service issues?
Who has more patience?
Do men and women sales reps communicate differently?

Call in, listen in tonight at 6PM PST to www.genderlyspeaking.com, or email a question in now.

Talk@genderlyspeaking.com

The deadly email

With Sunday’s Oscars looming around the corner, Nicholas Chartier reached out to his fellow academy award members by writing a simple but provocative email, imploring them to vote for his small independent film, The Hurt Locker – and not that big behemoth $500 million dollar blockbuster, Avatar.

His efforts backfired.

Not only did the Academy rebuke Chartier for violating Oscar rules that prohibit mailings promoting a film and disparaging another, but they’ve banned him from the ceremony itself.

So even if The Hurt Locker wins big time, Chartier will not be hopping on stage with his fellow producers to accept the academy award for best picture.

Imagine a chance of a lifetime – all his friends in tuxedos, celebrating, hooting and hollering and poor Chartier home with the kids, eating a Hungry Man TV dinner, and watching the ceremony on his ten-year-old Toshiba .

Ever send an email that got you in trouble?

Certainly, it might be rare to lose one’s job or in this case be banned from a celebration, but it’s not unusual to hear management complain about arrogant, attitude-ridden emails that violate ethical, moral, or professional etiquette.

To be fair, Chartier immediately bounced an email back apologizing. “”My naïveté, ignorance of the rules and plain stupidity as a first-time nominee is not an excuse for this behavior and I strongly regret it,”

But it came too late. Damage was done. The film may not win because of this email. And Chartier will go down in history as the only producer ever banned from the Academy Awards.

So what could Chartier have done differently that would have changed not only his fate, but the success of his film?  What can we learn from his mistakes?

Here are three rules to consider before sending the email that could ruin your career:

1. Never put anything in writing that you might regret afterwards.  Don’t do it. In fact, don’t even write it on the computer.  If you need to express your feelings in writing, use a pen. Write on paper. And then burn it afterwards.

1. Always get feedback before sending an email that might spark controversy. In this case, Chartier should have picked up the phone, called an academy board member, and asked, “How would you feel if I sent an email out asking voters to support my little film?”  Do your research first before writing the email.

3.    Never overreach your boundaries via email.

Chartier basically overstepped his bounds. He criticized a competitor and begged voters to support his film.

Beware of a backlash.

The competitor –the director or Avatar— was once married to the director of The Hurt Locker, so  embedded in this contest is a whole other level of social/political even sexual intrigue voters may have gleaned from this email.

This misinterpretation – or “reading within the lines” – happens all the time in business.

Recently  the President of a large electronic firm innocently moralized to his staff,  asking everyone to join him in a physical fitness program instead of sitting at home watching American Idol.

Big mistake. He not only implied that his staff  was fat and lazy, but goes on to insult the group for watching a show he thinks is a waste of time.

Another example that gets managers in trouble is the innocent thank-you email that calculatingly thanks certain people and leaves others out.   Don’t think it won’t get a resounding backlash.

The misinterpretation can be as simple as this: “I can’t believe Frank didn’t acknowledge Connie. I don’t think he likes women.”

Write an awesome email – free of baggage.

Now it could very well be that voters will ignore Chartier’s stupidity and vote for the film they feel deserves “Best Picture.” But we live in an age where we are generously influenced by social media and television commentary. No one lives in a cave anymore, and that is true in business as well. Gossip spreads fast. An innocent but disparaging email could reek repercussions that will sink your reputation or  be grounds for your demise.

This blog was written by Dr. Gary Seigel, Gary@Themouthtrap.com. For information on how to write an awesome email – free of baggage – check out my chapter on Email Road Rage in The Mouth Trap: Strategies Tips and Secrets to Keep Your Foot Out of Your Mouth. And for information on seminars and workshops, where I can interact with your staff and inspire error-free communication, visit my website, www.drbriangrossman.com, or e-mail me at DrBrian@DrBrianGrossman.com

Are you a professional speaker, business person, husband, wife, son, or daughter? How would you handle a situation like Tiger Woods?

Tiger Woods spoke today for the first time in three months. Media outlets like CNBC, MSNBC, CBS, NBC, ABC, covered the event.

Reactions varied from “he was robotic. He read from a script. It was rehearsed. He is a phony. It was drama. It was real. He apologized.”

Whether you like Tiger Woods or not, some facts need to be stated.

• He has not been seen in pictures for three months-amazing in today’s world
• He had to speak in front of 100 million people
• He took total responsibility

Tiger Woods did something today that not many celebrities or politicians do. He accepted responsibility without blame. His statement can be interpreted differently depending upon your vantage point: Were you listening, watching on TV or live in person.

My belief, from watching, then listening, then watching again, is he was genuine. His eyes were red, teary, lip quivering, all signs of being genuine, hurt and humility. He the FIRST sports celebrity I have ever heard to admit “I did not think the rules applied to me.” Roger Clemons, Barry Bonds, Alex Rodriguez? I have never heard them take total responsibility and admit they broke a rule.

Friends and media have suggested that Tiger should not have had notes. It was rehearsed. Would it be better to be “off the cuff, unprepared, rambling, and arrogant?” Those are the opposite of the criticism thus far.

Effective communicators use notes. Professional speakers use an outline and rehearse. I have been a professional speaker for ten years, and always prepare in advance. When I have had to apologize, I sure have had to think and rehearse how I wanted to say what was on my mind. Off the cuff in emotional moments may release terms, phrases and emotions you cannot take back.

It is difficult for anyone to take full responsibility when they make a major mistake. Add the publicity, media pressure, sponsors and a family crisis; I think Tiger did pretty well. (I am speaking of today, not the last three months)

I’m curious what you think of Tiger Woods and his mea culpa today.
E-mail comments, or if you would like help in how communication scripts may help your business or personal communication to DrBrian@Drbriangrossman.com